11.10.2008, 5:54 AM
I'm sanding the nitrocellulose lacquer that I used to refinish the neck on the Telecaster that Perry gave me; slow deliberate strokes. 600#. 800#. 1000#. 1500#. 2000#. Sanding, sanding, one grade of paper after the other, slick with soapy water, amber from the tint of the lacquer. I'm thinking about the sheen on the high spots, concentrating on leveling out the lacquer so it has a mirror smooth finish, keeping my fingers flat and for a few minutes the doors of my mind shut and I can focus. I lay the neck down and remember Melissanne is gone and there's no getting her back, ever.
I'm having a hard time with the 'ever' of this. I'm having a hard time thinking about anything else. I try and watch movies, read, anything to get my mind off of things. Even H.I.'s letter to his dearest Edwinna made me fucking lose it.
I think of the terrible things she's gone through in her life before we were together, the hardships she's had to overcome and the better person she had become and how I let her down. I try and think about whether I can get polishing compound at Target and think about asking her if she could pick some up for me, and then I remember she's gone and there's no getting her back. I try thinking about the color scheme for the 3rd website mockup that's due tomorrow. I find a red that works and remember that I fucked everything up and this thing I'm working on doesn't mean anything. The red is fine. I write up a couple invoices and remember that I ruined the thing I loved more than anything.
Every time feels like the first time.
Before she left I was watching a TV show called 'Life.' There's a scene where a cop kinda loses his shit because his wife was leaving him. He was sitting in the office with this gun to his head. He said something to the effect of "She's the best thing I'll ever have and she's gone." A guy trying to convince him otherwise says "No, she's not. She's just the first." When I was watching the show I thought it was really clever writing, now I look back on that and think, he should have let the guy do it.
11.09.2008, 9:14 PM
I feel sick all the time. I'm so tired of feeling so awful. I hate going to bed because I just lay there for a couple hours before falling to sleep, unable to stop thinking about everything. I used to always look forward to my dreams because they were usually fun, but now I rarely remember them and the ones I do remember I wish I'd never had. And then I wake up and the first thought I have is that she's gone and I've fucked everything up and somehow I'm supposed to get up and do some work, take care of the animals. I wish I were as oblivious as Abraham and Audrey. I feed them, let them out, try and play with them, and they're happy. There's some silly bumper sticker that says something like "I wish I were the person my dog thinks I am." I feel that so hard.
She said I should be happy that we had the good times that we had, that it's some great to look back on. It's hard to look back on those times without remembering how I ruined things. I wish I had something great to look forward to.
I don't know what to say to my mom and dad. I wrote my mom an email because I couldn't bear telling her over the phone. She said she was sorry and that it broke her heart. It did mine, too. I haven't told dad, yet, I think he'll take it worse. He's already so severely depressed and he always wanted so much better for us than what he and mom had. Look Dad, I managed to fuck things up just like you did. I don't know.
I was planning on leaving for California tomorrow morning - driving out to just get away from this place for a while. It's so hard to think here, everywhere I look reminds me of her, and then I think about how happy we were, and then I think about my failures. I try to not concentrate on it, but the longer I'm here the more I hate myself.
11.02.2008, 6:46 PM
Too little, too late. Today she found her own place to live and is moving out next week.
Just one more in a long line of failures.
10.28.2008, 6:49 AM
It was hot the day we were wed. The boss of the maintenance department, our boss, had given us the day off. Her sister and her sister's husband and 2 kids came, as did one of her best friends. Our friends and neighbors Heather and Gabe were there, too and besides the pastor that was it. It was small, it was succinct, and it was what we wanted. Gabe took pictures. After the service the preacher asked me what we were going to do for the rest of the day. I told him I guessed we were going back to our apt and hanging out. He gave me $50 and told me to take everyone out to eat. HE gave ME the money.
Melissanne was beautiful. Her dress was kind of oriental-looking - satin, sleeveless, a rich light blue. As we stood through the vows I held her hand. She was wringing my hand, hard, full of nerves. I was still, calm, thinking less about what we were doing and more about how we were together. When I remember that day it's mostly a blur. My mind was wondering to my parents and the choices they had made, I was thinking about how we would tell them, I was thinking about the rest of our lives. I was filled with hope.
From almost the time we met we came together like a hand in glove - it was just like we fit. I'm a hopeless romantic and I want to look back at that and say it was fate, that some people are just meant to fit together, but I know it's not true. We talked about soulmates, we talked about how it seemed we'd always known each other. I dunno. It felt right.
I had once thought maybe this journal would chronicle our growing together, crazy misadventures, etc, but what it's turned out to be is a sad commentary on how I've pretty much managed to fuck this whole thing up.
Theres a picture in a card that she gave me for an anniversary. It was the greatest present I've ever gotten. I cried when she gave it to me and I cry now when I think of it. I can't bear to really even look at it anymore. There's a picture of 2 trees, one is leaning on the other, and she mentions how we're here to support each other. I've always been that leaning tree, and she held me up for a long time until I finally broke her. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it strong again. I'm afraid that it can't be fixed.
We're still together, kind of. We live together, eat together, sometimes laugh together, but the intimacy and affection is gone. We hold hands sometimes and she kisses me goodbye in the morning. I hope she does it because she wants to. There have always been so many things I needed to improve, that I told would improve and that she trusted me to improve. Time and time again I let her down and time and time again she was there for me to lean on. At some point it became too much for her and I have never felt more alone than I do right now.
I'm working on things now, in earnest, with the hope that it's not too little, too late, but every instinct I have tells me that it is. We work out together 4 days a week and I do stuff on my own for another day, and I'm seeing a therapist to work on my anger, my self-loathing, doubt, insecurity. I do all this for us, but if mentioned, she emphasizes that I should only be doing this for myself.
I don't understand why I let it get to this point. I don't understand how, out of sheer laziness, I managed to fuck up the greatest thing I've ever had. I've been so depressed for so long, the cumulative result of one failure to improve after another. With every failure I've only felt worse. I've held onto the idea that sometime soon I would turn a corner and I would be a better person. Always sometime soon. It turned into days, months, years. I wasted a lot of our time.
I'm working on myself now. I feel like she's staying with me to make sure I get it done right and then maybe when it looks like I've gotten close to where I need to be, when it looks like I'll be alright on my own, she'll finally leave. I don't know if I'm thinking logically or whether this just more of my self-doubt. Maybe I think this because I know it's what I would probably do were I in her position. I'm trying to make myself better - for me, for her, for us - in spite of this paralyzing hopelessness and anxiety that now constantly feel.
I keep trying to talk to her about things, I know it does no good. Words are cheap, but uncertainty is a stress I have a hard time bearing. She doesn't know how things will turn out and cannot give me an reassurance to that end. I'd like to hear that if I do everything I need to do to improve myself, physically, emotionally, spiritually, that she and I will be happy together - but she cannot tell me that. It's just as likely that once I reach that goal that she just leaves. Maybe by then I won't care. Maybe I'll be so self-actualized that I'll see that it just doesn't matter. Maybe by then she'll be attracted to me again. The uncertainty hurts. Thinking about things hurts. I want to numb the thoughts and I consider pills or booze, but then figure I gotta keep sober to pay the bills.
I think about suicide a lot. Besides me not wanting to leave that burden on her or the rest of my friends and family, the only other thing that keeps me from doing it is my lack of faith in an afterlife. I believe in God, maybe not in the Biblical sense, but I do believe in a greater power than what we see. My faith in an afterlife, however, is not so solid, and the idea that this is all we get and there's nothing else is probably the greatest deterrent. If I thought I'd just float around like Patrick Swayze or those hipsters in Wristcutters, I'd would've probably killed myself a long time ago.
She's come to accept our situation and even be content with it. I pray for the ability to accept that whatever happens will happen and the only thing I can do is to try and be the best that I can be. If I were more spiritual I might be able to just give this over to God and not worry about it, but it's not that I don't have faith in prayers. I've always truly believed that God helps those that help themselves, and one thing is for sure here - given the amount of help that I've given myself, I shouldn't be expecting any from God. It sounds cliche and almost zen - to accept the fact that you have no control and that all of life is uncertain. It doesn't feel very zen-like. I feel the opposite. My mind is filled with chaos as it endlessly tries searching for answers that it knows it cannot find.
I miss my friends. She's my best friend and now the person that's always been my greatest support isn't there for me. She's heard all she wants to hear. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I feel like I have nobody here to talk to except the guy I pay every couple weeks. The friends I have here I don't feel close enough to to really talk to and I hate going over this shit on the phone or over IM. Maybe it's an excuse not to talk to anyone. I know if and when I do, nobody will be able to give me the answers I want. I know there are none to give.
1.22.2008, 4:36 PM
Are you an angry man?
Are you envious? Do you get envious?
I have a competition in me; I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people. I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I've built up my hatred over the years, little by little. I see the worse in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need.
I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone.
I can't keep doing this on my own, with these... people.
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